Many things in my lifetime on this planet, I’ve missed out on every opportunity to have somewhat a Normal life. I’ve missed out on everything and pretty much self segregated myself from what’s normal. That’s because growing up, I never had all the things that normal people get to do and people never seem to gave me a chance or a decent opportunity. I’ve always had to fight tooth and nail just to be included. Most times, I’m always end up in the shadows and often times doing things alone.
What sucks, alot is that I’m always very bitter and very resentful at people mainly because they get to do things that I can only dream about or say “maybe in my next life”. I’m always very bitter when I see people leading, managing, having fun or even getting to do things that I could have done but no one ever opens the damn door for me. It’s why the thing I like to do in the past, such as going Nude Camping, swimming or even hiking, I don’t get to do them anymore because I don’t have many friends and i’m largely very quiet and very isolated.
Often times, I don’t get to do anything and mainly because when people see my vitiligo on my face and hands, people, give me the look of being weird or freakish and try to avoid doing things with me. Which often times, I wind up doing things alone and often times by myself. I often times attribute to the fact that I have Vitiligo and it’s why I don’t get any work or have a large social network of friends. That on top of being Intersex, having Kallmann’s Syndrome and looking 10 years younger than my actual age.
It’s why people often ask me why I am not happy and it’s mainly the fact that I’m always very resentful and bitter at the world I live in and on top of all the crap I have to deal with. I’m always bitter and resentful because of the fact that people never seem to see me for who I am and people seem. People never seem to give me an opportunity or a chance to do anything. I deal with so much from being intersex to having Vitiligo that I often times wonder how I got to here without being run over.
It’s also why I don’t smile anymore. I hardly ever smile and if I did, it would be as rare as a blue moon. I don’t smile because I often see how depressing the world is and how bitter, resentful the world is. I don’t smile mainly because i’m pissed at the world because the world never saw me as a human being and the world never gave me an equal opportunity like everyone else on this planet. It’s why I don’t smile and I’m never gona smile no matter how hard I try.
It’s why, I often see my existence as being in the shadow of others and see that I’m never gona get to do anything, remotely normal and simply just live and survive. Having fun to me is simply a class and race privilege. Being Normal is often a class and race privilege because to me, I don’t see or know what Normal would look like in my life. On top of the fact that It’s why fun and being normal is something that is a pipe dream and something that will never happen in my lifetime.